Not saying I am 100% back to the normal me but slowly I am getting there, I have taken time off from the virtual world and been occupied with other games and things in real life thinking less about my misery.
If there is a manual on how long you are supposed to be a little down I would love to see it, but I think I am doing kinda ok taking small steps avoiding anything that has to do with romance. I think I am not ready for that in a long time, better stay focused and do the things I enjoy the most like taking photos of my own body.. lol…
That’s about it not much more to say other than it has been some long days with a lot of things running around in my head, at least I tried and I know I am far from perfect and yes I done some mistakes but I am after all human.
Today when I woke up one of the first things I did was to turn on my computer, I was excited to see what my ex had sent me as a reply. I had high hopes that there was a glimmer of hope and that maybe, just maybe she still was thinking of me. I got a cup of coffee from the kitchen and sat down I still had a smile on my face, was so excited when I log on to my Facebook account and as I clicked the message from her I think I kinda knew it was not good news but I held on to the though of a maybe.
Then I scrolled up the message and even if I had seen words stating that she no longer though about me, I decided I had to read the whole message I could have got it wrong. I sat there with a fresh cup of coffee and read the words from my ex, she tell me she no longer think of me and that I am out of the picture. It was a hit to the face I could feel my face muscles want to make me cry as I was very sad, but I kept my cool until I had written a reply to her pretending I was cool with it while i was not. But I could not beg for her and she said in the message she had moved on, her new life in real was filled with work and parties just as she wanted to live her life.
I deleted the fb account cause the only reason I kept that was to be able to communicate with her, everyone else I ever knew they did not matter to me I only wanted her. And now I was alone so alone I could not deal with knowing I could message her and she would not want to talk or see me in any form. After I had deactivated the account I could not stop the tears from coming out of control they kept poring down my face, they still do cause she ment the world to me and now all that was gone forever.
My friends I did not dare tell any of them why I had done what I did today, why I no longer was on my Facebook so I made up a harmless excuse that they accepted. So now I have to accept that she have moved on and it is about time I do the same, where ever I go in this virtual world I am reminded about her even when I go hair shopping I see the hair color she loved so much I think about her. I feel I am being punished for the dumb things I did that day one year ago when I took her off as my partner, but back then I did not know better. I was going thru a very hard time in my real life and felt I held her back, I felt I did not deserve her and I think she tried to get me back I am not sure but I know I made her unhappy without knowing it. When I think back on those things that breaks my heart that I did that to her, the one that ment so much to me and now I have made my bed and have to lay in it all by myself.
It will take me a very long time to recover that I am sure of, cause when you have tried for more than 6 months to get the love of your life back and did not succeed then you are at rock bottom. I know this much that if I could go back in time I would have done it all again, everything but taking her off as a partner. But life goes on and now I need to try to recover in any way I can, it may take months or even longer I have no idea but I can’t give up.
With close friends to hangout with I had no idea I would feel so lonely that I do these days, I more or less have been that for a year now. Trying hard to find the meaning in this world, but what ever I set myself out to do I can’t take my mind of someone who I used have close. I might sound like a complete stalker but I am not, I guess I am one of those hopeless romantic people who think everything can be fixed if you really want it to be.
I can only put the blame on myself this time as I have made some very stupid judgements, I was weak and did not understand the important of what I had and now I am paying the ultimate price called loneliness. There is nothing more to do I managed to chase this someone so far away. I have tried for a long time to get out of this funk but no matter where I go or what I see it all reminds me of her, even in my real life I can see things and I instant think of her in some way. I would hate to have to leave the virtual life I have to get over her but I fear this is the only way for me to get on with a life, or at least try make a life in the real.
One day when I was cleaning my Skype downloads I came over a photo of her, the brown hair in her face and the sweet eyes smiling at me. I had deleted in past things she sent me but this must be hiding somewhere and now it is the only thing I have left of her. I always have the memories of her and those I keep to myself.
I have been all over the grid trying to meet new people and make new friends, but when I see girls that look similar to her I just want to fall to the ground. How could I ever let this happen to end up in this way where I see nothing good in the horizon, it is vacation time very soon I have saved up money for almost 1 year to go very far away. There are so many places I never been and things I never seen, maybe it would take things off my chest to experience new things and stay away from virtual me.
Not so many days since she told me to leave her alone, not that I had done anything to her other than try in an idiotic way to get her back. I do understand that she have moved on and I have to make things work on my own, I just wish things where less complicated like it was when you where younger. Now that I am “old enough” I feel a big loneliness in my heart knowing I never will hear her voice again, and a tear in my eye when I do realize she is gone.